EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL. WELL, THE PART ABOUT THE CRUSH. BUT THAT’S THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY EXPLAINS THE OBSESSION…
ANCHORAGE—Professor Echo of the Sisyphus College of Law has had an ambition to hire his 8th grade crush, Eileen Siren of Harvard University School of Law. He has also, for 13 years, steered Sisyphus Law’s hiring committee. Each year, Professor Siren comes out on top of both the hiring Committee’s recommendation and the faculty vote. This year, Professor Echo hopes the 14th time’s the charm.
“She has everything! She’s a Supreme Court clerk. She’s taught at Harvard. She’s published in high-ranked journals!,” says Professor Echo. “Plus, in 8th grade I asked her out, and she said no. I’ve been trying to get her to like me to this day.”
While some colleagues over the years have expressed frustration at the waste of resources, Professor Echo has shut them down. “They’re nothing. They all suck. She’s better than any of us. She’s certainly better than me. My God, we all are just so inferior compared to her,” he said in a moment of extreme self-loathing, before breaking down into tears as “History Never Repeats” played in the background.
An expert in empiricism, Professor Echo added, “Just because she said no 13 years straight doesn’t mean this year will be different.” For emphasis, he began to play Dexys Midnight Runners “Come On, Eileen.”
While Sisyphus Law School has never even come close to hiring Professor Siren, they keep making her offers, in part to appease their colleague and in part because of their own 8th grade experiences. “One day, she’ll love us. I mean, uh, him!” said one of Professor Echo’s colleagues, Professor Hope. “Her work is amazing!”
Professor Hope is dual appointment in the Law and Logic departments at Sisyphus U. When asked if he has read any of her articles, he added, “No need to! It’s published in high-ranked journals and she’s a Supreme Court Clerk! Everything she writes has to be brilliant. But yes, I did read them!” When asked if her credentials might bias him, Hope responded, “of course not.”
The law school has kept attempting to hire Professor Siren, or other people who closely resemble her, with no success. Professor Echo, however, remains hopeful “this year, it will be different. She’ll really want to come here.”
“I don’t know why the faculty keep doing this shit,” said Dean Earnest of Sisyphus Law School, shaking his head. “It’s really a sickness. An obsession. We’ve lost out on many good candidates giving Professor Siren open-ended offers.”