Office Hours Until Last Two Weeks of Class:

Castaway

Office Hours Last Two Weeks of Class:

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Dear Friend,

It is with good fortunate and the will of God smiling upon us that I should find you here again this year! Good day to you and your law review! I apologize if the content here-under are contrary to your moral ethics, but please treat with absolute secrecy and personal.

My name is Mr. Lawprofblawg from Lawprofblawg Law School, but I have worked with famous people from your homeland. I am coauthor of a famous law professor, who shines upon me blessings of joy and fortune from the heavens. I am the son of the great Ms. Lawprofblawgmom, who is the leader of a great far away country I call home. My father died in the great war of the Interstate 5 collision.

I am the only Mentee of the great law professor, heretoyet be named. He died on U.S. election night of a broken heart, and poisoning due to his work with the Russian Embassy. I was constrained to grieve at his funeral due to the limitations of using university travel funds for non-scholarly events. The associate dean would not request my request to hold post-death séance.

Before his untimely and greatly sad death, my Mentor helped write the attached article. He moved enough funds to ensure I would be able to finish this article and host a symposium on it. The funds are in Burkina Faso, but the article resides with me.

The bank refuses to release the funds to me because my Mentor feared I would spend it all on reprints. The total is $12,501.45 USD. When I applied to get the money, the Directors told me that my Mentor left a “Note” (WILL) in the form of conditions, that the banks Must Not release the funds to me until I have found a proper high ranked home for our article.

This then brought me to the issue of searching for a reputable and trustworthy journal, who has vast experiences in articles and symposia.

I want to transfer this fund into your bank account in your country, so that we could invest it wisely in a symposium, with my article as lead article. I have contacted the Director of the bank where the fund is deposited in Burkina Faso, and asked if the fund could be loaded into an ATM VISA CARD and he said it is possible to load some of the funds into an ATM VISA CARD, while most of it will be wired to your account via online bank transfer.

Why I contacted you is that I want you to publish my article, and perhaps provide your ATM number, so we can make the will of my great legal scholar mentor come true. This transaction will be beneficial to us all, and bring good karma to you and your family and pets.

I will appreciate whatever result you may brief me. Do let me know your idea and knowledge regarding these or any other profitable symposium you may suggest for us to do together.

I shall tell you more about this transaction as soon as I get your Offer letter concerning this article.

Waiting for your reply,

Thanks and best regards,

The Ever Indebted to you Lawprofblawg

*Sung to the Tune “What’s Up?” by 4 Non Blondes

25 days of Trump and he’s still
Trying to get take away my great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That his whole world was made up of a stupid Muslim ban
Or “not a ban”– whatever that means

And so he tweets sometimes
When he’s lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What’s in his tiny head
And I, I think he’s peculiar

And so I wake in the morning
And I step online
And I take a deep breath and I get a big sigh
And I scream from the top of my lungs
WTF’s going on?

And I say, hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah
I said hey, WTF’s going on?
And I say, hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah
I said hey, WTF’s going on?
oh, oh oh
oh, oh oh

And I type…oh my god do I type
I type all the time at his fuc*ing hashtag
And I fave, oh my god do I fave
I fave every single day
Anyone who tweets: revolution!

And so I cry sometimes
When he’s tweeting in bed
Want him to just get out
Out of my head
He makes me….feel a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning
And I step online
And I take a deep breath and I start to cry
And I scream from the top of my lungs
WTF’s going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, WTF’s going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, WTF’s going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, WTF’s going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, WTF’s going on?
oh, oh oh oh

Four years later and my life is still
Trying to rebuild that great big hill of hope
For a destination

 

Sung to the Tune: Same Auld Lang Syne Song by Dan Fogelberg

Discovered an old student in the grocery store
The heat was heavy Christmas Eve
I stood behind him in the snooty foods
And I grabbed him on his coat sleeve

He didn’t recognize my face at first
But then his eyes flew open wide
He went to vomit and he spilled his man purse
And we laughed until we cried

We took his groceries to the check out stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the chip reader lagged

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But he was opposed to the common bar
We bought a pinot noir at the liquor store
And we drank it in his car

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to 1Ls
We tried to reach beyond law school emptiness
But neither one knew how

He said worked at a big law firm
That kept him warm and safe and dry
He would have liked to say he loved the firm
But he didn’t like to lie

I said the billables had been a friend to him
And that his sports car was very blue
But in his eyes I wasn’t sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude

He said he saw me in the alumni news
And that I must be doing well
I said the teaching was heavenly
But the grading was Hell

We drank a toast to firm nonsense
We drank a toast to 1Ls
We tried to reach beyond law school emptiness
But neither one knew how 

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to 1Ls
Reliving, in our eloquence
Another “Old Law Syne”

The wine was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
He gave a dollar donation to the school as I got out
And I watched his BMW 325i drive away

Just for a moment he was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And, as he turned to make his way back to the office
He remembered: That bastard didn’t give me an ….A…!!

You only have a few days left to shop. Or, when you think about it, you have over a year left to shop for next year!  Via Above the Law.

EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL.  WELL, THE PART ABOUT THE CRUSH.  BUT THAT’S THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY EXPLAINS THE OBSESSION…

 

ANCHORAGE—Professor Echo of the Sisyphus College of Law has had an ambition to hire his 8th grade crush, Eileen Siren of Harvard University School of Law. He has also, for 13 years, steered Sisyphus Law’s hiring committee. Each year, Professor Siren comes out on top of both the hiring Committee’s recommendation and the faculty vote. This year, Professor Echo hopes the 14th time’s the charm.

“She has everything! She’s a Supreme Court clerk. She’s taught at Harvard. She’s published in high-ranked journals!,” says Professor Echo. “Plus, in 8th grade I asked her out, and she said no. I’ve been trying to get her to like me to this day.”

While some colleagues over the years have expressed frustration at the waste of resources, Professor Echo has shut them down. “They’re nothing. They all suck. She’s better than any of us. She’s certainly better than me. My God, we all are just so inferior compared to her,” he said in a moment of extreme self-loathing, before breaking down into tears as “History Never Repeats” played in the background.

An expert in empiricism, Professor Echo added, “Just because she said no 13 years straight doesn’t mean this year will be different.” For emphasis, he began to play Dexys Midnight Runners “Come On, Eileen.”

While Sisyphus Law School has never even come close to hiring Professor Siren, they keep making her offers, in part to appease their colleague and in part because of their own 8th grade experiences. “One day, she’ll love us. I mean, uh, him!” said one of Professor Echo’s colleagues, Professor Hope. “Her work is amazing!”

Professor Hope is dual appointment in the Law and Logic departments at Sisyphus U. When asked if he has read any of her articles, he added, “No need to! It’s published in high-ranked journals and she’s a Supreme Court Clerk! Everything she writes has to be brilliant.  But yes, I did read them!” When asked if her credentials might bias him, Hope responded, “of course not.”

The law school has kept attempting to hire Professor Siren, or other people who closely resemble her, with no success. Professor Echo, however, remains hopeful “this year, it will be different. She’ll really want to come here.”

“I don’t know why the faculty keep doing this shit,” said Dean Earnest of Sisyphus Law School, shaking his head. “It’s really a sickness. An obsession. We’ve lost out on many good candidates giving Professor Siren open-ended offers.”

Dear 1Ls, not everyone is out to get you. But here is what to do when they are.  Via Above the Law.

From a non-dean.  Via Above the Law.

Lawprofblawg has not endorsed a candidate.  Until now.  Eric Segall and I together believe that someone (near) the bench would be a good candidate.  Via Above the Law.

I’ve been thinking about workplace bullying lately.  There is a lot of potential for those of use with power to abuse it, and make life miserable for others.

Take 1:  Workplace bullying, via Above the Law.

Take 2:  E-mail bullying, via Above the Law.

I was also sent a nice email mentioning this interesting report about bullying in academia in Canada.