Dear Law School:

I have read recently that your Dean has (resigned/been fired/run screaming from the building/been run out on rails/been involved in a rankings scandal). I offer myself up as your new Dean. As the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy points out, the person who is best suited for a position is the person who least wants that responsibility: “It is a well known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

And let me tell you, I don’t want to be your Dean. Therefore, I’m perfect for the job.

As someone who has no administrative experience, let me explain all the ways I will improve your school:
1. I will be a Dean who raises tremendous amounts of money while simultaneously being in my office to hear every single tale of faculty woe.
2. I will ensure that the curriculum meets the changing needs of legal education while ensuring that the faculty still gets to teach the same things they’ve taught for 50 years straight.
3. I will ensure that your school will go up 20 places in the rankings while also assuring that I would never lie about employment numbers and the like.
4. The faculty will publish like never before, and we all know that quantity is an excellent measure of quality.

I point these things out to let you know I’m serious about my offer to be your Dean. Of course, I know there are challenges to the position. For example, I can’t help but notice that your school (receives no support from central campus/is a stand -alone school with no support from anyone/isn’t accredited in an era where there are too many law schools/has armed faculty members who literally killed the last dean/has faculty members who think “change” is a four letter word). I can easily solve this problem by (bribing faculty members with early retirement/using guilt and shame to fund raise from alums who have never paid a dime because they have no jobs and millions of dollars in student loan payments/suing the ABA for failing to accredit our school/vowing to keep everything the same while using key pawns…er, faculty members to propose implementing change).

My successful fundraising drives would go to pay for (faculty raises/scholarships for students who wouldn’t otherwise bother coming here/a shiny castle shaped building with a yellow brick walkway/). I understand that my decision to spend money in this way will be controversial, but I will be successful because (students will build the new building and that will count as employment/I’ll pay the whiniest faculty the highest raises/I’ll steal students from Harvard and Yale with bribes of free education and use them in my law porn).

We can discuss salary and perks later. I look forward to you contacting me for an interview.

Yours truly,