Archives for the month of: December, 2016

 

Sung to the Tune: Same Auld Lang Syne Song by Dan Fogelberg

Discovered an old student in the grocery store
The heat was heavy Christmas Eve
I stood behind him in the snooty foods
And I grabbed him on his coat sleeve

He didn’t recognize my face at first
But then his eyes flew open wide
He went to vomit and he spilled his man purse
And we laughed until we cried

We took his groceries to the check out stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the chip reader lagged

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But he was opposed to the common bar
We bought a pinot noir at the liquor store
And we drank it in his car

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to 1Ls
We tried to reach beyond law school emptiness
But neither one knew how

He said worked at a big law firm
That kept him warm and safe and dry
He would have liked to say he loved the firm
But he didn’t like to lie

I said the billables had been a friend to him
And that his sports car was very blue
But in his eyes I wasn’t sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude

He said he saw me in the alumni news
And that I must be doing well
I said the teaching was heavenly
But the grading was Hell

We drank a toast to firm nonsense
We drank a toast to 1Ls
We tried to reach beyond law school emptiness
But neither one knew how 

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to 1Ls
Reliving, in our eloquence
Another “Old Law Syne”

The wine was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
He gave a dollar donation to the school as I got out
And I watched his BMW 325i drive away

Just for a moment he was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And, as he turned to make his way back to the office
He remembered: That bastard didn’t give me an ….A…!!

You only have a few days left to shop. Or, when you think about it, you have over a year left to shop for next year!  Via Above the Law.

EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL.  WELL, THE PART ABOUT THE CRUSH.  BUT THAT’S THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY EXPLAINS THE OBSESSION…

 

ANCHORAGE—Professor Echo of the Sisyphus College of Law has had an ambition to hire his 8th grade crush, Eileen Siren of Harvard University School of Law. He has also, for 13 years, steered Sisyphus Law’s hiring committee. Each year, Professor Siren comes out on top of both the hiring Committee’s recommendation and the faculty vote. This year, Professor Echo hopes the 14th time’s the charm.

“She has everything! She’s a Supreme Court clerk. She’s taught at Harvard. She’s published in high-ranked journals!,” says Professor Echo. “Plus, in 8th grade I asked her out, and she said no. I’ve been trying to get her to like me to this day.”

While some colleagues over the years have expressed frustration at the waste of resources, Professor Echo has shut them down. “They’re nothing. They all suck. She’s better than any of us. She’s certainly better than me. My God, we all are just so inferior compared to her,” he said in a moment of extreme self-loathing, before breaking down into tears as “History Never Repeats” played in the background.

An expert in empiricism, Professor Echo added, “Just because she said no 13 years straight doesn’t mean this year will be different.” For emphasis, he began to play Dexys Midnight Runners “Come On, Eileen.”

While Sisyphus Law School has never even come close to hiring Professor Siren, they keep making her offers, in part to appease their colleague and in part because of their own 8th grade experiences. “One day, she’ll love us. I mean, uh, him!” said one of Professor Echo’s colleagues, Professor Hope. “Her work is amazing!”

Professor Hope is dual appointment in the Law and Logic departments at Sisyphus U. When asked if he has read any of her articles, he added, “No need to! It’s published in high-ranked journals and she’s a Supreme Court Clerk! Everything she writes has to be brilliant.  But yes, I did read them!” When asked if her credentials might bias him, Hope responded, “of course not.”

The law school has kept attempting to hire Professor Siren, or other people who closely resemble her, with no success. Professor Echo, however, remains hopeful “this year, it will be different. She’ll really want to come here.”

“I don’t know why the faculty keep doing this shit,” said Dean Earnest of Sisyphus Law School, shaking his head. “It’s really a sickness. An obsession. We’ve lost out on many good candidates giving Professor Siren open-ended offers.”