For those of you traveling to AALS Faculty Recruitment conference next week to interview candidates, it is important to find ways to articulate, in a non-hypocritical fashion, how much you hate the candidate’s scholarship.

There’s just one problem: The candidate is a lot like you.

No worries!  I have some language that will still allow you to boast about your accomplishments while crushing the candidate’s hopes and dreams.

Your article: Published in prestigious journal

Theirs: Student editors can’t be trusted.

Your article: I’m a prolific author

Theirs: Quantity suggests something negative about quality

Yours: My reviewers said I was amazing

Theirs: Candidate’s reviewers were biased

Yours: The editors were responsible for the footnotes

Theirs: I found a typo! Candidate is a careless writer

Yours: Beyond the scope of the article

Theirs: Candidate failed to consider obvious paths

Yours: I publish in specialty journals

Theirs: Candidate can’t publish in traditional law reviews

Yours:   I publish in peer-reviewed journals

Theirs:   Candidate likely will have trouble getting tenure in a law school

With a little practice, your colleagues will still think as highly of you as they already do, and you’ll be able to destroy candidates that you don’t like.  Good luck!