Friends, I am on the search for the best law porn submission.  I will grade them as I receive them, but today I have to start with Northwestern Law School.  Northwestern’s law porn receives only a B.  Let me explain why.

Photography:  All of the faculty profile pics are missing the tops of the faculty heads.  This suggests you are all hiding something.  I suspect cowlicks, even in those who are hair challenged.  Also, some of the pictures are just off visually.  Chicago can be a beautiful city, but the picture on the inside of the cover does not make me feel so.  It is a little grayish, and a bit off center.     

On the plus side, the professors in the classroom shots are all gesticulating.  That is good.  That means they are good and animated teachers, right?  How about a little technology in the classroom?  Every shot shows a dry-erase board. 

The students in the classroom (pages 20-21) were clearly uncoached.  Two seem to be looking at their computer.  One isn’t taking notes, as he has his hand on his face.  One in the middle seems almost joyful.  You need to coach your students.  You are a serious school.  Look relaxed, but intense.  Happy, yet serious.  Cool, but alive.  And always look at the professor over your apparently standard issue Macbooks.  Not a Dell in the classroom!

On page 19, the student in the center has multiple windows open on her laptop.  It’s blurred out, but I think the one behind the top is gmail. 

I’ve decided that I have a crush on Thomas Brennan on page 6.  His silver fox hair and intense stare are dreamy.  I’m going to try to replicate that.

Layout:  There really is a lot of white space between faculty profiles.  The font is very tiny.  If I’m a senior faculty, I’ve lost my ability to read that font long ago without cheaters. 

I’m also concerned you put the previous appointments before faculty scholarship.  Are you saying to me it is more important from where your faculty came than their current achievements?  I know you aren’t a school to rest on your laurels, so I think this sends the wrong message.  Plus, the small font makes me think you’re feeling a little insecure. 

Writing:  The writing is very well done, and I think that saves your grade.  A couple of questions:

“[O]ur faculty members combine to form . . .the most eclectic and balanced mix of legal scholars….” I can’t tell if you are commenting on the mental health of your faculty or not.  I’m very slow about this.  Are you saying that other schools have a more unbalanced faculty?  That might be true of mine, but you don’t know me well enough to say that.

You characterize the main faculty as “residential.”  Of course, this made me look for “commercial” and “industrial” faculty too.  I hope their offices are accordingly zoned. 

Exculpatory language is my thing.  I love at the bottom of the back cover where it says “Northwestern University reserves the right to change without notice any statement in this publication concerning, but not limited to, rules, policies, tuition, fees, curricula, and courses.”

All in all, a good first effort.   I look forward to receiving more law porn from other schools. I’m sure they will all be equally excited about my comments.

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