Now that I have all of my Festivus shopping finished, I thought I would take a moment away from the duties of my job (which I’m still in the process of defining) to discuss the worst holiday songs of all time.  Here is my top ten:

  1. Baby, It’s Cold Outside.   This song has all the makings of a sexual assault.  She wants to leave, but he refuses to let her.  Meanwhile, he’s drugging her.  “Hey, what’s in this drink?”  She’s completely captive “No cabs to be had out there!”  Finally, with all the drugging and lacking in any means of transportation, she gives up in the end.  Horrific song.
  2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  This is a song about collective bullying.  They only accept him back into the fold because they needed him.  They use him as a tool, after completely ostracizing him.  A horrible lesson for children.  Rather than build self-esteem, Rudolph seeks external validation by helping his North Pole oppressor and the thuggish reindeer who bully and shun him.
  3. Santa Claus is Coming To Town.  Online privacy has nothing on Santa Claus.  He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.  He’s worse than Facebook or the FBI.  It is also the worst in deterrence theory.  Don’t be good because you feel a moral obligation to be good, but because you will be penalized.  With Santa, the probability of being caught is 100%.  The penalty: No presents.  Really, Santa over-deters.
  4. Christmas Shoes.   A kid, whose mom is in the hospital, is wandering around the mall right before Christmas day.  No way that this doesn’t have CPS written all over it.  Instead of attempting to save the boy, the narrator just pays for the kids shoes (probably to speed up the transaction).  Nice way to pass the buck.  The kid needed new clothes, at the very least.  And clearly the boy was nowhere near any adult supervision.
  5. White Christmas and Let it Snow!  These songs about wishing for snowfall are prophetic in terms of climate change.
  6. Last Christmas.  Last Christmas, George Michael gave you his heart.  The very next day, you regifted it!   He promises that this year (to save him from tears) he’ll give it to someone special.  But he doesn’t.  EVERY single year, here he is, singing about his broken heart.  Just keep it this year, George.  Keep it.
  7. Do They Know It’s Christmas?  “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime.”  You’re right.  You do know that some of Africa is below the equator and it is summertime there, right?  Also, while the majority of the population of the continent is Muslim, they aren’t stupid.  Yes, they know it is Christmastime.
  8. Frosty The Snowman.   Let’s face it.  There is a great property question in terms of the hat, but really the problem is that Frosty is a jolly happy soul.  How is he so happy?  He doesn’t have any material possessions except a hat.  He is either a zen Buddhist or there is some lesson in here about consumerism about which we should pay heed.  That’s the good part of Frosty.  The bad part is that these kids have no concept of “stranger danger.”
  9. 12 Days of Christmas.  This song is sick, sick, sick.  Look at the pattern:

Day 1:  A partridge in a pair tree.   Bird.  Day 2:  Two turtle doves.  More birds. Day 3:  Three French hens.  Okay really, this song is about unoriginal Christmas gifts, with a bird theme.  And let’s not forget the 4 calling birds, the 6 geese a laying and the 7 swans a swimming.  Jeez.

What about the other gifts?  There is the 8 maids a milking, with no mention about whether the true love gave the complement gift, the cows which are needed for milking.  Then the true love apparently purchases Riverdance for our narrator, with 9 ladies dancing, 10 lords a leaping, 11 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming.

The outlier?  You know this:  Five gold rings.

This song is about consumerism run amok.   The total cost of these gifts is well over $100,000, depending on the value of the rings and whether the cost of maintenance are included.

10.  Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.  I have two interpretations of this song.  The first is that this was a hit.  I imagine that the ability to go in and out of places undetected makes Santa a pretty good mafia hitman.   But then the lyrics suggest Santa isn’t a good hitman, as he left incriminating evidence.  If this wasn’t a planned hit, I blame the children and grandchildren.  You are letting grandma go home without an escort?  The remaining lyrics clearly demonstrate their callous indifference to grandma.  I’m thinking this was a murder set up to make Santa the fall guy.  Hardly a holiday-appropriate song.