One of my fans sent me an op-ed he wrote called “The Vampires Always Bite.” I liked the premise of the piece, but, sorry dude, not the way it was written. With his permission, I’ve rewritten the piece, hopefully consistent with his original premise. I know, I know. That is SO interdisciplinary of me.
“Why did you run away from me, Edward? Why are you avoiding me? Do you hate me?” Bella asked after yet another teenage fitful fleeing by Edward out of high school chemistry class.
“No, I don’t hate you….I….have to resist you. Your scent is powerful. And you wear flannel. That’s hot. Or at least it was when Kurt Cobain ruled the airwaves.”
“What scent?” Bella asks Edward.
“Money. I love the smell of your money. I want to bite you.” Edward shutters.
“Bite me? Why?” asks Bella.
“You’re a consumer. You have money. I am a business vampire. I want as much money as possible. I mean, I’m out for blood. But I’m an ethical vampire. I am trying very hard not to bite you.” Edward confesses.
“You’re the vampire that doesn’t suck.” Bella nods.
“Yes. We just take what we need to live, and try not prey upon you. It would be easy too. See how sparkly I am when you look at me?”
“Yes. You do look very sparkly. Like an iPhone 5 or an iPad with a 7.9” screen. Shiny and new.”
“Exactly. It is our way of captivating you before we bite you.”
“You are mysterious and pasty white. And I am the paragon of a mopey teenager. I think I love you.” Bella says. “Hey, does vampire anatomy, um, work?”
“Well, we don’t have any blood flowing in us so it is highly unlike we could reproduce sexually, but this is a romance novel so don’t ask any questions.”
(The next morning after Bella reads a headline about deaths in the area, she asks Edward about it).
“It’s some other vampires.” Edward nods.
“I thought you said you don’t bite!” Bella says.
“Sometimes we do. We try to take care of it ourselves, through the Laissez-Faire Volturi.”
“What is that?”
“The free market. If vampires bite customers in an area too often the customers will just flee from them.”
“Does that work?”
“No. Sometimes nothing happens really. Sometimes customers don’t have a choice but to stay—that’s monopoly power. Sometimes they just feel they don’t have a choice, and will cling to even an incredibly inferior product.”
“iPhone.” Bella nods in understanding. “What are customers to do if business vampires are always biting them?”
“That’s when the werewolves come in.”
“Regulators. They assure that we don’t bite customers. If we do, they are programmed to bite our heads off thoroughly.”
“Who is that shirtless, ripped hunk over there, looking not entirely unlike lawprofblawg?” Asks Bella.
“He is Jacob. He’s a werewolf/regulator. If we bite anyone, he makes sure we get our heads bitten off.” Edward says. “Or at least that is what they are supposed to do.” Edward says.
“You mean they don’t sometimes?” Bella asks.
“No. A lot of times they are asleep. And often times vampires become werewolves and then head back to become vampires. They learn the secrets of the regulators, such as how to cut down on wind resistance when you are that hairy, and how to detect vampires. Sometimes when they are regulators, they can’t find it in their hearts to bite the heads off their former vampire friends. That’s called regulatory capture.” Edward says.
“Oh, I’ve heard of this. The mean, vicious werewolves who destroy the innocent vampires for no reason whatsoever! And the mean werewolves are all spawns of Elizabeth Warren…..” Bella starts.
“Please stop watching campaign ads in Massachusetts. You really can only believe 47% of what you see in those anyway.” Edward says.
“Why do you need regulation if you, living in the free market, self-regulate?” Bella asks.
“Because some vampires always bite.” Edward says.