A Generic Job Posting For Every Law School

Wanted: The University of [Insert your school’s name here] seeks exciting and energetic scholars to replace those on our faculty who have bolted or who have retired.  The ideal candidate will be:

  1. From Harvard or Yale
  2. In the top 1% of the class
  3. Editor of the Law Review
  4. A clerk for a U.S. Supreme Court Justice
  5. Have three years of practice experience in a big law firm that hasn’t gone under
  6. A Ph.D. in something cool
  7. A capacity to publish interdisciplinary work in the top ten law reviews (not peer-reviewed)
  8. Teach our students whatever he or she wishes to teach, in perpetuity

Preferences will be for those who teach the following valuable educational experiences for our students: Comparative Law of Yak Herding, Ocean and Coastal Law of Iowa, the Law of the Sea as Learned From Moby Dick, Constitutional Law and the Planet of the Apes, Morality in the Law and Why It Is Harder to Find Than Waldo, The Law of an Obscure Island I Visited Once On Vacation And Which I’m Using as a Tax Write-off, Law & (Any Course listed as an Undergraduate Course, including Scuba Diving).