I know none of you have done this before, but I thought I would try to answer my spam e-mails.  Rather than bother them personally, I thought I would do it here.  NOTE:  Because this is a family-friendly blog, I will replace one of the most important male body parts (the one that causes meetings to sometimes go longer than is necessary or drive very large trucks) with “Professor Happy.”

Email #1 From “Jim”:  “Professor Happy” enlargement.  Act now, improve your love life!

My Response:  Thank you for your concern.  As you know, the most exciting thing a professor can ever do is write.  There is nothing more gratifying, except maybe having some actually read what we write (Preferably someone famous (in academia this is defined as someone with more citations than me on Westlaw and Lexis)).

Now, that does cut against the advice I received from one colleague a long time ago.  When I told him I enjoyed teaching, he said, “oh, it is better than sex!”  Probably that was true for him.

Email #2 From “Debby”:  “Professor Happy” enlargement.  Act now, and improve your love life!

My Response:  Obviously, you and the sender of e-mail #1 have some concern about me.  I’m very touched.  However, I assure you I’m fine.  Are you trying to tell me something?

Email #3 From “Jane”:  “Professor Happy” enlargement.  Act now, and improve your love life!

My Response:  Okay, I’ll reply to this one after I go search how many citations I have and egosurf on Google.  You’re not making me feel very good about myself.

I do love the obscure children’s book reference related to your name and the subject matter of your e-mail, however.  Brava!

Email #4:  AALS [as far as I read]

My Response:  Delete.

Email #5:  Hello Dear, I am Mr.Frank Nweke Jr, A manager auditing in accounting department of my Bank here in united Kingdom. I am contacting you in order to ask for your assistance on this confidential business with full financial benefit for both of us. In my department in our bank I discovered an abandoned sum of US$10M ( TEN Million, US Dollars) for more information email me immediatley or contact me on my number below. Or make yours available for further discussion. Yours faithfully. Mr.Frank Nweke Jr. +447024019758

My Response:  Hello, sugarplum!  I don’t remember you at all, but I am pleased that we are already so close because of our mutually inappropriate salutations.  I’m glad you feel that a law professor would be helpful to you in the transfer of a large sum of cash.  You know that some of us have never practiced law at all, right?  Before the Mortgage Back Securities crisis, I would never for a minute think that you all would engage in such reckless behavior (*fingers crossed*).   Nonetheless, love of the life I never had, I feel that $10 Million is not enough to compensate me, particularly given the quality of articles I am writing (and the plethora of typos contained in your e-mail).   I do like that you ended your letter with a reference to the 1970s rock band Journey.  Kudos.

All caught up on my e-mails now.