Any resemblance to the Posner-Scalia-Garner “debate” is purely intentional.
The setting is Judicial Middle School. Rachel and Antonia are well-respected and prolific legal minds at the school, both of whom always sit with the popular kids.
(Rachel is talking to a group of fellow 8th Graders)
RACHEL: OMG, did you see Antonia’s recent decision in DC? I think she is resorting to legislative history!
ANTONIA: I did not! I wouldn’t even think about doing that! Certainly not in that case! I only use dictionaries!
RACHEL: You did resort to legislative history! I saw it! You were seeking out the original 18th century meaning of the term. That is legislative history.
ANTONIA (shouting now): No it is not! Legislative history means things like the Committee Reports. You are lying. You can get away with it in front of that audience because they are idiots. But not in front of people who eventually will answer to me.
RACHEL: I am not lying. It is the truth.
ANTONIA: OMG, you are raising such Heller about this! Legislative history isn’t the history of the times.
RACHEL: You focused on the background and events leading to the enactment of the Second Amendment. Isn’t that legislative history?
ANTONIA: OMG, no! And any lawyer knows what legislative history is and why that isn’t legislative history. And yes, my implication is that you aren’t a lawyer and that you suck.
RACHEL: Oh yeah? Well, you are dressed hideously too! I’m going to pull an Antonia on you, Antonia. I’m going to pull out a dictionary (that thing you love) and define legislative history. Know what it says? It says that legislative history is exactly what I said it is. And your best friend edits that dictionary! So there!
ANTONIA (rolling her eyes): Whatever! I don’t DO legislative history! Legislative history is garbage!
RACHEL: I didn’t say you DO legislative history! I said you resorted to it. You don’t “do” legislative history because you kind of suck at it because you think it is garbage.
ANTONIA: Oh yeah, you’re ugly! And you’re a big fat liar! Any idiot can see I did not!
RACHEL: Are you done with the ad hominem? And you resorted to legislatively history! Just admit it!
(Students to the right of the skirmish look around nervously for a principal to break up this fight, which has degenerated from high theory to immaturity. Students on the left of the fight start to giggle).