Dear Law School,

GASP!  It was SO good to hear from you! I haven’t heard from you since last year at this time.  I am thrilled to be kept apprised of all that is happening in your law school family.   What a LOVELY multi-page, multi-color brochure!  Everyone is so adorable!

Thank you for thinking of me!  Your card was masterfully done, and demonstrated clearly that you have an excellent marketing person capable of putting together a brochure!  And it put me in the spirit of the U.S. News Marketing Season!  Time to get out my law porn card holder!

“It’s beginning to look a lot like rankings, everywhere I go…..”

Of course, I get such cards from a lot of law school families this time of year.  It is the only time I hear from you all.  I miss you!  I wish you would write more often.  How about maybe writing a letter asking me how I’m doing every once in a while?  It’s as if you don’t care about me.  You never call…

When I opened your card, I just thought your faculty members were just so PRECIOUS!   They look VERY photogenic, and wow, they are all so accomplished!   They have written their little hearts out (most of them).   There is some blank space, but I’m sure that was for aesthetic reasons and not because of anything else.   Some of the articles from 1969 look VERY interesting from an historical perspective!

I am VERY excited about the fun your school has had over the course of the past year.  Such INTERESTING SPEAKERS, and every one of them in your brochure looks so thoughtful and engaged.  Some are even doing the cute little frowny-face to show how serious they are!  How cute!

And a lot of you have traveled far and wide!  China.  Mexico.  Hawaii.  Australia!  You have had some great adventures, bringing U.S. legal scholarship to the rest of the vacation/destination resort world!   No Somalia or Afghanistan or Syria for you all!  So precious!

And how articulate you all are!   I bet your faculty members are all so very smart.  I love the cute little blurbs about how “my scholarship is at the intersection of art law and water law, drawing from post-impressionist concepts and painting by numbers, blending perfectly the clear lines needed in legal art and the panoply of colors which makes my scholarship distinguishable from that of the thousands of other law professors writing on the same subject.”  PRECIOUS!   And not at all Lake Wobegon!  I think it is just so cute how they each have their one tiny little area of interest and they are have such amazing reputations in those areas.   It is important for friends to know each other, isn’t it?  And it is SO important for a true friend to know what his or her friends have written!

But you all are working too hard, dearies.  For example, I am concerned that a lot of your faculty members are hanging around library stacks.  I know that makes for a better photo shoot, but I worry about whether or not you have computers.  Do you need money?   Maybe I could give you just enough to cover the very expensive brochure?

You are all looking so incredibly professional in your suits too!  Having lived around faculty for over 20 years now, I really hope you all just dressed up for those shots!   Otherwise, you are all much more serious than many other schools.  Even law firms have casual days!  Ordinarily when I visit other law schools a disproportionate share of the people wearing suits are adjuncts and students (only during hiring season).   Oh dear, I hope you all aren’t on the market!!!!

Now, I don’t want to be a bother for you, dearies.  I know these things are expensive and your students are grumbling about higher tuition and no jobs.   Of course, we are now learning that they may be pointless.  But not to me!   I keep ALL of them.  Imagine how proud you will be when I post them in about 20 years.  So precious!!

You must be SO proud of yourselves!  And with all this external validation I am heaping on you, I hope you feel so much better about yourselves.

In the meantime, I have your card on my icebox.  So precious!